My Mess Up Life
05-01-09 (Monday), a day of tiredness, not to work but to my own life. I always felt that my life is always in a mess, a mess that is generated by myself. I really deserved to be miserable for life or not worth to be treasured at all. People always tell me that I'm a nice person, but i always never thought that i am that nice, maybe it is to friends or a person that fond of. Otherwise, i'm not that good at all, i know myself, people always say that you will never know who you are till the day people come and tell you. Yes, but i only agree this partially, somehow, i know myself quite well.Is it true that man and woman are different? can a human scarifice itself to save other people? I will say yes, once i have watched a show called "Seven Pounds" by Will Smith. A man that is so close to be a saint, a person that willing to scarifice his life to seven people that are truly need help, a help to make them live better. Either for living better or gain their health back. I felt that my distance between saint and me is mile away, a journey that I will never reach or seem from a short distance.
Coming to the end of First Year
13th October 2008, 3 weeks before the semester end and that will conclude my first year at Murdoch. One more year to go before i graduate and this mean form next year onward, i will not be able to see her anymore Is that consisted a good news or bad news for me? It's been quite awhile since that day came, i have not yet forget, what is the thing that make me so hard to forget, is it i'm still holding on and not letting her go? I really wanted to let go, but mentally i'm still not admiting that I already lose her.
What is actually in my mind? All my friends said that you should be the one that know the best, but i always told them that I really have no idea what is in my mind and sometime i have a feeling that the mind that I have for 25 years, seem like not mine and it suppose to be belong to someone else. I just want a new mind and a set of new thinking that can make me that i am alive again and like dragging myself evey single day, it just very tired.
Can someone out there that happen to read my blog, can enlighten me and give a light for my path?
--:: Time Flies ::--
For what you know is that time flies, from the time I have touch down to Perth till now is about nearly 3 months time. And with that, I about to finish my first semester and now is so called "the curcial Period" when all my projects dateline are drawing near and my theory test is about 2 weeks or less away. Now, I am like rushing myself to study as much as I can and to asborb as much info as I can, hope to do well in the test and score well in the overall result.My life, is not very interesting just books and computers every single day of my life at Perth. Ever since she left me, my life have not been any better. All i do is to buried myself under study and nothing else, I thought that is the best way to actually forget all the moments with her, but its not and not easy to actually forget about her in my life. As I was so use to her be in my part of my life and also planned to marry her and be my lifetime partner, but t doesn't turn out to be it. Got once, I really "collapse" and doesn't know how to get up anymore. The fall for this time is so great that the impact has somehow affected my life, at that point of time I shed my tears and ask myself "Is this the end?". In fact, it is the end of me and her, according to her saying that we are better of as a friend and not further more. For all the clashes that we have, in term of family background and "behaviours". I always thought that she is a girl that doesn't care about other family background, as long as both of us stand strong nothing is impossible. I think I was wrong, because she do mind about all these things.In the end, I cannot pre-predict the path that I have set but to go along with it step by step. Pre-predict of path will not lead me to anyway but a dead end. So, I advise anyone that read my blog by accident, don't follow me. It is a foolish way to think or to do such things in life.
Days at Perth
So fast it is coming to the third week where i have stay Perth for my further studies. According to Perth, the place here is still summer and nowadays it is getting hotter and hotter, sometime the heat is so unbearable that i sometime feel like going around the house naked... can you imagine the heat here. Ok, come to study..it just only 2 weeks, i have tons of projects awaiting for me to complete. When i'm still busy with my work, I'm already thinking of way to convince my gf to stay at Murdoch to study, but i know my power of convincing is not strong enough to influence her to stay and study. I know the chance is sacare and i know she always say that thing might change, but from how long i know her, that is the final answer or decision that she has decided. Although she say "might", but that word "might" is a confirmation already... Anyway i got to live by myself, i guess i just have to get use of she not by my side after a year.
To Stick or Not To Stick
What is the main purpose of a "Sticker", is to stick on something or some place for a period of time when "someone"remove the sticker off.
What if human is like a sticker...especially to couples? If one of the couple is becoming more like a sticker, do the other partner will start to get irritated or feel weird on why he/her partner start to become like a "sticker"". To some extend, some partners do not like the feeling to be stick on each other all the time. They prefer to have more breathing space than the partner stick on their side. But by giving too much breathing space, some partners may tend to go off "track"' and travel on the other "track". When that happen, argument, quarrell and dissatisfactory of each other will kick off.
Human are really a very weird creature in the planet. They can change thier mindset and the way of doing things in speed second (as we can say as 3 sec temper). When this thing happen, sure have someone get hurted or get disappointed. One example is to become a "sticker" to someone else, this matter will arise alot of mistaking and strange feeling toward 2 or more people. The other problem is attention, if you don't give too much attention to someone else, the person will start to feel that she/he is lonely or if the person is attached, he/she will feel that the feeling from the other partner have fade off and start to lose attention on she/he. If you turn the table the other way round, the partner will feel irritated and start to avoid you as much as possible.
To be continued...
Back From a pretty bad month
Hi to all, that got spare time with my blog, i guess there is no one reading it, so it like become like a diary blog for me.Last month (OCT) is ppretty a bad month for me. At that month, i have totall change into another person, a person that is selfish and unreasonable between times. I also tend to speak to myself and start to imagine i have an imaginary friend that exist right beside me, that can always listen to me out when i have troubled and felt frustrated. Sound scary right, at first i really dun know i have this type of behavoir. Just one day, i sit down alone and think the past days that i have do and said to my friends, family and girlfriend... then i ask myself, what is happening to me... i can't find an answer so i went to consult my elder bro who is a fresh graduate from psychology course... he say i have been suffering from stress and depression that i haven't realise.That month, my relationship just gone down to the drain, my gf got nothing much to talk to me and not much time for me also... she is working, friends, working, friends, family, working, friends.....is really pretty bad till that we really hardly met each other like for days...
Down days of my life
Its been quite some time that i have wrote my blog. I guess when i was happy or sad then i my start to write into my blog. From the day i step into the working life, i felt that i am holding to a very responsible job, a slight mistake will be scolded, as i am currently helping up my dad's job. I know to them i am a trouble person. A person that don't know much of the things that they are functioning and the major thing that is i have work quite awhile in the company and i still make mistakes. I know human i born to make mistakes but human are not born to make the same mistakes over and over agian.
I can feel and see from my dad's eyes that i only a rubbish dirt to him. As he think that i am useless and doesn't know how to do anything. Alot of people tell me that it is not true, they don't see it much as what i have seen and gone through.When i was young, my dad already don't like me, cause i am very lousy at schoolwork, always tell lies and somtimes prompt to cheat. But when i went through sec school, i wan to prove to them that i am capable on studying well and make them proud and I have proven to them, but my dad doesn't express anything or praise me at all. To my whole family beside my younger bro, the things that i do is most of the time is wrong, maybe i just stupid or what. And now i planning to go overboard to study, it is an xtra plus points that my dad dislike me more. I always have a feeling that i am not important to the family. If he so hesitating to borrow me money to study and because my mum convince him just to let me study, i rather find my own way to get the money to go study.
The reason why after i graduate, i don't feel like coming back, it is not that i hate them, it is that i don't want to come back and can't find any job from Singapore then my parents and siblings will say me and look down on me and said something that is not nice.
If they already figure out that i am a "trouble", at the first place they should have me. Now god is not on my favour, my luck is getting worst and everything just don't go smooth. If i have a choice, i will choose death as my choice to avoid my miserable life. i Know that is not the best soultion but that is the way to end it.
